Winning and Losing Advice for Parents.

Winning and Losing Advice for Parents.

I started reading a new book titled “The Art of Learning” by Josh Waitzkin. The movie "Searching for Bobby Fisher" is based on the author’s life. In the book he writes about his rise through the chess ranks and about the growth of people and especially about the need to lose, and how to deal with it. Realistically it could be anyone growing up through sport. 

This past weekend I attended the Art of Coaching volleyball conference in Calgary. Laurie Eisler (University of Alberta Head Coach) used a line I thought was brilliant. "Be engaged emotionally in the wins and be engaged intellectually in the losses." This was directed at coaches at the time but I think it is applicable to parents as well.

In the book “Art of Learning” Josh writes about the role a parent plays in this process. He suggests that the parent’s everyday conversation should be about effort and lessons rather than results. Be happy with young athlete’s successes. This does not mean parents should trivialize winning and losing. Telling a young athlete that wins and losses don't matter makes no sense. They know it matters. They put their heart on the line and have it crushed when there is a loss. Josh suggests that a parent should start with a hug. Let the youth know they are there for them. Then tell them how proud they are of them because simply getting up on the stage or on the court is a triumph. "Disappointment is a road to greatness," Josh Wrote. This is one of the most important lessons an athlete can learn.  It is important for an athlete to understand how they bounce back determines their character. When the athlete seems ready to talk about the match parents should ask their son or daughter to focus on improvement by asking them to explain the game.  Not necessarily specific skills and tactics but general things.  This leads to an understanding of reviewing the game. 

Examples might be: Were they overconfident entering the match? Were they "psyched out" before the match began? Did a big trash talker get them angry? Did a reaction from a player or coach distract them?  This is healthy reflection. Parents need to leave technical and tactical training to the coaches.Trusting the coach is important part of the learning process and this process can be eroded quickly with mixed messages. This helps athletes learn that from every loss there is a lesson that can help move them forward in a positive direction

Another powerful concept that I recommend for parents is to determine what is a successful experience. On my university team a successful experience differs for many players.  The starting left side should have a difference definition of success than the 15th player.  If they both determined simply seeing playing time on the floor as success, one will be very disappointed. The reserve player will determine success in developing their skills, getting a better understanding of systems, helping make players better and bringing positive energy to the team.

On our U-14 club team we determine success as athletes falling in love with the game. We want the athletes to enjoy coming to practice and develop their skills and tactics.  We play everyone evenly. Sometimes this means losses, but our success isn't based on a win-loss record.  We talk to parents about discovering other success criteria. Hopefully we are all on the same page by the end of the year.

Research shows that athletes who base their experience on personal achievement in terms of wins

 and losses drop out of sports at an earlier age.  This is because as they move up levels they can't 

maintain their records.  They come across other athletes who will challenge them and this affects 

their mental state.  Since they are no longer receiving the accolades they once did they decide to 

withdraw.  On the other hand athletes who focus on effort and improvements remain in their sport 

longer.  Often reaching higher levels in their overall career

http://t.co/fzAwFeXQOU  is another good blog from Sport IQ.